Faced with a skyrocketing population of television chefs fighting over dwindling levels of material and airtime, the Wildlife and Forestry Commission (in association with Horse and Hound magazine) this week announced an aggressive culling programme designed to salvage what is left of the prime-time UK television ecosystem.
“It is clear from the last few years’ programme content that they are unable to find any new food, and are resorting to picking the bones of tired old menus.” said a spokesman. “They are overgrazing. It is only a matter of time before they turn on each other, or crossover into other, non-food related programmes. They are out of control, and it is up to us to take action.”
Bill Oddie – famous naturalist and hater of celebrity-chefs – agrees. “To those people who live in rural communities, this may seem cruel and barbaric.” he said, preparing for the first hunt. Resplendent in his pinks, brandishing his crop and preparing to mount a whinnying, blinkered Clare Balding, he continued: “But for those of us who reside in central London, the delicate balance of nature in broadcasting is part of our everyday lives. This cull must be done for the long-term wellbeing of all. For too long, ‘personality’ chefs with their voracious appetites and aggressive breeding habits have been forcing-out indigenous presenters; such as those who once grazed freely on free-range programmes like Songs of Praise and Countryfile. There are far too many Nigel Slaters and Greg Wallaces around; interbreeding, wasting natural resources and spreading disease. If we don’t do something soon, the likes of Ellie Harrison and David Battie will soon become extinct.
“We’re going to keep Lorraine Pascale and Sophie Dahl in captivity as part of a controlled breeding programme, though that’s mostly because it turns me on. We’re putting Heston out for stud, but I’m afraid it’s off to the glue factory for Jamie.”
David Cameron was quick to praise the cull, realising that it will boost tourism and divert attention away from tax dodging. “Who would not fail to be moved” said Mr Cameron, speaking in the Commons yesterday “by the majestic spectacle of Hairy Bikers running across our green countryside, screaming ‘Why Aye, Man!’ as they are chased by a pack of ravening hounds? Truly, that would be a sight to quicken the heart of any red-blooded Englishman!”
The first hunt of the season began this morning, as beaters began patrolling Oxford Circus tube station; enticing roaming chefs with mating calls, Christmas book deals, and hitherto-undocumented recipes for ethnic streetfood stolen from vendors in Portobello Road Market. Would-be trophy hunters congregated at Regent’s Park, preparing for the hunt through Piccadilly Circus, Green Park, and hopefully ripping-out some throats at Buckingham Palace for royal approval from the Duke of Edinburgh (who is apparently not a fan of Saturday Morning Kitchen).
“I’m hoping to bag me a Delia today” said one hopeful with a shotgun. “I need a new rug for the hearth, and she’ll go nicely with the Mary Berry that I’ve got stuffed and mounted over my mantelpiece.”
Jeremy Clarkson is already working on his next book, entitled “How to Stuff Nigella Lawson”. He assures us it has nothing to do with cookery.