I’ve been blogging for a few years now. Sometimes I can go a few weeks without publishing anything, but it’s no great worry. Life continues apace, and I know that inevitably something will happen to me or I’ll find something to rant about … and my blog will be there, ready and waiting. Like the electronic equivalent of a faithful soapbox, or my usual stool at the bar.
I feel like the time I have spent blogging has only served to lead me to today. Those 143 articles are nothing but forerunners to this moment. In all other ways they seem inconsequential; anything I write about in future will be anti-climactic also-rans. I may never write again!
This article requires your full attention. Stop scratching yourself and zip-up your flies. Impending quarrying laws are unlikely to apply to your nostrils, so you can refrain from picking at them for now. I have news of utmost importance to impart.
Imagine if two superheroes from completely different universes suddenly joined forces to fight crime. Or the two finest performers the world has ever known suddenly decided to made an album together. You’d want to know about that, wouldn’t you?
This week I discovered something even more amazing. More beautiful than Led Zepp collaborating on a studio album with Mozart. More incredible than Yoda starting a detective agency with Doctor Who, employing Hattie Jacques to answer the telephones.
This week I discovered that Asda have merged the two finest desserts ever created: Battenberg and Arctic Roll.
Like a transporter accident from an episode of Star Trek: two distinct desserts – each perfect in their own way – become merged, and in blissful synergy, become greater than the sum of their parts. The opulence and sophistication of Battenberg working in perfect contrast with the pure ice-cream and sponge of that most nostalgic of childhood desserts: the Arctic Roll.
To eat this dessert will make your tastebuds cry, for they will never experience anything so amazing again. The Food Channel is even now cancelling all its programming; from now on it will just show a portion of Battenberg Arctic Roll photographed from different angles, in glorious HD. And I’m selling my shares in Mint Vienetta (hitherto the Dessert of The Smart Set) before the impending crash.
Drive to Asda now and fill your trollies! Do it soon to beat the stampedes, the rioting on the street, and its inevitable reclassification as a class-A controlled substance. Soon, you will only be able to eat it whilst on holiday in Amsterdam or Thailand.
Now, only one thing remains for humanity to accomplish before we ascend to a higher plane of existence. Before we “level up” – moving from this universe to the next – we must fuse the Custard Cream with the Jaffa Cake.
In other news: my diabetes nurse keeps trying to suggest I should lower my sugar intake …