I was invited to a local theatrical performance this week. Being a cultured and educated man, always eager to broaden my horizons, I agreed. Besides, it was a timely opportunity to extend my blogging repertoire into the field of Sunday-Colour-Supplement-style culture reviews. And it was free to get in.

The environment matched the ticket price – it seemed that almost no money had been spent attempting to improve the decor for the occasion. The seating felt cheap and uncomfortable, and made the performance feel even longer. Definitely a “thumbs down” from my lower half!

The programme guide, hastily thrust to me by an unnattractive and surly steward (or stewardess; I can’t be sure) proclaimed the event to be “a heartwarming and yet informative piece on the lifecycle of the humble apple, conveyed via the medium of thoughtprovoking monologue and musical performance”.

There seemed rather too many castmembers to warrant the little substance of the script. Most “actors” had nothing to do, and merely stood on the stage and shuffled aimlessly. Some even pulled faces at the audience. Those who did have something to do mumbled their lines, made no attempt to hide their scripts from view, and one even hit another and made him cry. The prompter (who also, it seemed, doubled as a rather dreadful pianist) was all too visible, and rather bad tempered.

It was difficult to make out anything coherent from the dialogue; even after I called out from the audience to “speak up, dammit!” there was no notable improvement. In the end, I aleviated my boredom during the latter half of the performance by experimenting with the ringtones on my new phone and asking other audience members which they liked the best.

So, regrettably I must award a no-stars rating to Miss Philips’ production of “Year 2 Harvest Festival Assembly”, even though it did have my son in it.

I am now banned from the PTA.