Before leaving the office for Christmas, I have duly (as a professional and courteous co-worker) set my out-of-office message, in case anyone needs to get hold of me.

I thought I might copy-and-paste it here, as a lazy way of wishing you all a good holiday too.

Dear co-worker,

I am now out of office for Christmas, during which time I shall endeavour to maintain blood-alcohol content somewhere between “pleasantly blotto” and “completely wankered”. I shall have limited access to company e-mail during this time; this is almost certainly a good thing for everyone.

If you have any enquiries about my work during the next fortnight, please be aware that I fucking love you. You’re my best fucking mate, you are.

I should be back in the office on Monday the 5th of January … though I probably won’t be sober until Wednesday.

Regards,

Your Friendly And Professional Senior Software Engineer

Professional as fuck, I am.