We in the Oddbloke offices of Journalism and Excellence hope you all had a good Christmas and trust you have a prosperous new year.
All over the world families have been getting together, eating far too much food, getting drunker than usual and then telling Auntie Maud exactly what they think of her and her damn knitted reindeer-pattern cardigan. And her bloody Pomeranian, too.
Whilst we enjoy this spirit of goodwill – idly wondering whether there exists any “outtakes recordings” of the Queen’s speech where she fluffs her lines and drops the F-bomb – it may be uncomfortable for us to spend any time considering those worse off than ourselves.
For most of us, the worst heartache we have experienced this week was to be forced to finish our sprouts. But there will be those who have little or no family to think of – all thanks to the perils of substance abuse. Families destroyed due to the monkey on the back of mankind.
I am (of course) referring to that most evil of narcotics: Clotted Cream Fudge.
Though it is more addictive than chocolate-flavoured cigarettes, more mooreish than Bombay-mix-Pringles and more expensive than cocaine laced with gold flake, the addictive power of CCF has remained out of the public awareness … until now.
On the street, Clotted Cream Fudge has many names. It may be known as “Kernow Acid”, “Fizzy F”, “Devonshire Soft Rock”, or “Bad Cow”. Whatever the name – the potential to wreck lives is still the same.
This particular narcotic is used most prevalently in the south-west of the UK. It can be purchased in markets, gift shops, cafes, and even in motorway services.
Though the councils of Devon and Cornwall publicly denounce the use of CCF, in practice they actually turn a blind eye.
So called “Fudge-Tourists” come from other parts of the UK to visit the seedier parts of Devon. They get their ‘fix’, and then follow it up with some scones and cream bought by the slice.
One insider at the Devonshire Board of Tourism told us: “Of course we don’t do anything about it. It’s a shot-in-the-arm for our local economy. We haven’t been notorious for anything here in the south-west since we abolished witch-burning in 1997. There’s only so long we can keep selling Beryl Cook postcards.”
The murky history of a piece of fudge
Fudge in it’s purest, most concentrated form is extremely expensive and can only be afforded by the very rich. It is smuggled in to the towns from illicit dairy farms by mules (known as “Fudge Packers”). When the neat fudge reaches the street dealers it is mixed with other, cheaper materials before being sold in order to maximise profit. It is not uncommon to be sold fudge mixed with dog worming tablets, Parma Violets, or even Kendal Mint Cake. For example: Rum-n-Raisin is commonly mixed with Turkish Delight, and can become highly toxic.
Fiendishly clever brainwashing techniques are used when advertising the sale of CCF, to the extent that dealers can sell about 5 grams of “strawberry-fancy” for 30 quid and still manage to convince you that it’s a good deal. The same techniques are used in Scientology indoctrinations and selling muffins at motorway service stations.
How dangerous is it?
Frequent or binge “fudging” is highly detrimental to your health. Tests have shown that frequent Fudge-abuse will cause intense and dangerous swelling in the part of your brain known as Shatner’s Bassoon – distorting it into something that looks more like a Piano-Accordion.
Keith Richards won’t touch the stuff. What does that tell you?
Becoming aware of the problem
Is this all news to you? Well, you’re not alone! But with your help we can increase people’s awareness of the problem.
A no-holds barred ad campaign, highlighting the potential to ruin lives is due to be launched in the new year. Less life-threatening alternatives (such as Absinthe, Cocaine and Midget Gems) will be promoted. Celebrities who have offered to endorse the campaign (themselves recovering from the horrors of fudging) include Bill Bailey, Amy Winehouse and at least one of the Shreddies’ knitting-nanas.
Doris Peabody and The Taunton Six
Of course, one cannot talk about CCF without mentioning the biggest organised crime syndicate of Devon and Cornwall – the Taunton Six, headed by Doris “Widow Twanky” Peabody. This band of amoral, gun-running, fudge dealing mint-imperial-popping psychopaths are the scourge of bingo halls and post offices throughout the south west. Through a mixture of intimidation, larceny and tearoom price-fixing they have become the most successful fudge syndicate in all Europe.
Their tools of the trade are terror, extortion, blackmail, and Hormone Replacement Patches. They have let nothing stand in their way of complete control of fudge production from Torquay all the way up to Exeter.
Doris Peabody is the mastermind behind the operation. She is better known (and feared) as “Widow Twanky”, due to her eccentric dress-sense and frequent appearances in Panto.
This picture came to us as part of a collection of surveillance photos – Ms. Peabody was monitored in Cuba, securing a consignment of “product” required for a more exotic variety of hallucinogenic fudge.
She rules the syndicate with an iron fist, enforced by her henchmen: the Taunton Six. Here they are:
Francis “Crazy Jivin'” Oz – Her skin is so leathery it is believed to be bullet proof. She can hear a packet of Werther’s Originals being opened from over a mile away. Why backwards she talks no-one knows, but cross her and kick your ass she will.
Psycho Maddy – The chief enforcer. Preferred method of intimidation is to threaten to kill you by crushing you between her sinewy thighs … and then adopt your children. Black-belt in ancient Japanese fighting school of Ninjitsu-Bingo. The Monks of Shaolin call her “Tiger Handbag”.
“Insane” Noreen – Trusted lieutenant. Her passions include messy killings, Antiques Roadshow and wearing of revealing ballgowns in public. Killed fourteen members of the Millwall Football Supporters Club in a pub one night when one of them failed to wolfwhistle.
Lizzie “both-barrels” Bowes-Lyon – A penchant for fast cars, faster horses and super-strength humbugs make this bitch an all-round fiery filly. Never get between her and a G&T.
Jane “two-by-four” Marple – No-one knows exactly how old she is, and the last person to ask was never seen again … but then, she never did like that particular grandson. Explosives expert, handy with a cosh, and lethal with size-eight knitting needles. Was a Lancaster bomber pilot during the Second World War.
“Harry The Hatchet” Harriet – at only sixty years of age, Harriet is considered the “young whippersnapper” of the group. Looks good in a suit and takes care of the books … but don’t let her love of Excel fool you. She’ll rip out your intestines, feed them to her cats and then claim them as tax-deductable pet food.
In 2002 Scotland Yard and CO19 set up a joint task force to police CCF trafficking, and monitor the Taunton Six in particular. Within their first week of active surveillance they were sent an office-warming gift of a hamper of premium-grade Scones and jam – complete with paper doilies. There was no note.
So there you have it. I hope this article has proved an eye-opener, and that you and your family are better forewarned of the dangers of CCF. Remember this, and teach your kids:
If anyone comes up to you on the street and asks you if you “fancy a Devonshire” …
JUST SAY NO.