I am bereft of any kind of financial, accountancy or political education or leanings. The only way that the Financial Times affects my life is that I know a joke about the crossword.
I consider this a great blessing. I do not suffer that irritating hindrancy known as “having a bloody clue” and so I am ideally qualified to rant on and on about the state of the economy and how it’s all Gordon’s fault and we’re all screwed; all without the slightest factual support. This means I fulfill all the requirements for commenting on any “Have Your Say” forum on any local-news website, and can spout any shite I like.
I like to think it gives me a great insight into what is really happening in the UK today. Who is really controlling things in the background, and creating things like the recession in order to mask the Real Issues.
Whenever you hear about any great controversial legislation in the House of Commons, or a ruction in Wall Street, or scandal somewhere in the BBC, you can rest-assured that the only reason it is being pushed at you in order to mask something else. Something more sinister.
So … what is the recession here to mask? Well, after spending a colossal twenty minutes inside my own think-tank (until the water went cold) I have come to the conclusion that the recession has been orchestrated by banks in order to distract everyone from those “unfair and unreasonable overdraft charges” that they’re supposed to be paying back!
Remember those? There was some hoo-har on Watchdog about it some years ago, including a Word-document for download with all the legal waffle in it to say “give me my money back now” that you could fill out, and expect untold fortune to get back to you by return of post. In practice, you got a vaguely threatening letter back telling you they were waiting on the results of a legal case, and then it all went very quiet.
And suddenly: the recession!
That’s right! Spread the word! Tell your friends! Let the truth now come out: the enormous national debt, borrowing deficit and huge unemployment has all been orchestrated, to hide the fact that the HSBC still owe me nearly five hundred quid. The bastards.
And if you hear later that I died when my car exploded, you will know that – like Julia Roberts’ boyfriend in The Pelican Brief – I have stumbled on the truth and have been silenced.