Being a geek means that you are already well versed in how to make your house velociraptor proof. You have already spent far too much time considering what you would do in the event of a zombie apocalypse (you have decided which friends you’d save, which superstore you’d barricade yourself into, and which weapons you’d have). You know more about the aftermath of humungous natural disasters than any US military unit. And you have thought long and hard about what you’d do if you travelled back in time and accidentally killed your great-great-grandmother.
So the current threat of swine ‘flu holds no surprises for you. You have watched Twelve Monkeys, 28 Days Later and Black Sheep, so you know that we’re about to face a fearsome apocalypse. A deadly virus (borne of genetic engineering Gone Mad) that wipes out most of the population, leaving a few alive to be hunted down and eaten by hordes of insane zombie flesheating pigs. There will be some crazy-camera-work chase scenes through dark corridors, resulting in pushing a zombie pig into a furnace … but the smell of cooked bacon proves too much for the token tree-hugging veggie of the group, and she throws herself in after it.
Just when all hope is lost, the lucky last few left will discover that the pigs are vulnerable to HP Barbeque Sauce (it makes them fizzle and dissolve like slugs with salt), and there will be an awesome final showdown in the condiments aisle of a large, desolate Morrisons in an industrial estate swarming with undead flesh-eating farmyard animals.
Of course, there is one other possibility. It’s just possible that we’ll all feel ill for a few days, and lie on the settee popping pills, watching daytime telly and drinking Lucozade. In which case, the best way the nation can prepare is to make daytime telly less shit. Why should we suffer needlessly?
On a related note … here are some of the least worst jokes I have heard regarding swine ‘flu:
- I think I might have swine ‘flu. I’m coming out in rashers.
- Perhaps you should put some oinkment on it?
- I had swine flu last week. It was offal.
- I just called the NHS Direct swine flu helpline, but it was no help. All I got was crackling.