I have been reading one of those self-help books. It is entitled “The twelve-step programme to becoming a pretentious tosser”. It’s written by Gyles Brandreth, with a foreword by Michael Mcintyre – so I consider it pretty comprehensive.
It has been some time since I ticked-off steps like “start a blog”, “use Apple computers”, “be openly scornful of those who watch televised talent shows” and “do Sudoku puzzles in public”. And this week I edged just slightly closer to total-tosserdom by joining Twitter.
Since doing so, I have discovered a few important things:
- Most celebrities are quite normal (which is the same as “dull”, really). Though Twitter has, at long last, given me an easy mechanism by which I may stalk Lily Allen, I have discovered that there is no real need.
- There are one or two gems amongst the mundane. For example, Gary Busey is pleasantly barking, and someone claiming to be Edna Fry (wife of butch, modern heterosexuality personified Stephen Fry and mother to his “five, six or seven children”) is pure comedy gold.
- I am finding it quite challenging to write anything funny or meaningful in 140 characters.
Anyway … if you would like an up-to-the-minute insight into the life of a fat, balding, middle-aged computer programmer, then feel free to Follow. I guarantee that it will contain no additives, preservatives, or any sort of serious content. Instead, observations on farting and the damn fools I see on the train every morning will be de rigueur.
Ooo! Use of ghastly French expressions! That’s another one to tick off!
If you’re a Twitter-holdout (and if you are, then I have a great deal of respect for you) then don’t worry – I’ll be experimenting with plugins on this blog. That way, you can see how much you’re not missing out.
If it turns out to be an embarassing waste of everyone’s time, then the Twitter stuff will disappear and we will never mention it again. Like Voldemort, or Spandau Ballet.
If you’re already a Twit-veteran (or a Veter-twit, or a Twatteran, or whatever bastardised-English word some trendy journo has made up to describe someone who has been on Twitter for more than a week) then feel free to suggest any twitter-feeds that you consider worth following. Feel free to suggest your own feed if you’re narcissistic enough.