Those who know me will know that by trade, I’m a code-monkey in the computer games industry. (I never say “professional programmer” because it makes me giggle – I’m still writing the same crap I always have; it’s just that I also happen to get paid for it.)
Those same people who know me will also know that I have a six-year-old son.
They will also know that my tolerance for most aspects of television is low. Dangerously low. Tourette’s-syndrome-inducingly low.
Kids’ television is a huge turd. I hate it with a passion, but I tolerate it because when my kids wake up at 6am I can switch the TV on and then go back to bed. Notions of good parenting are all very well, but all rules are off before 8am.
Kids’ TV is mostly crap, but there are one or two nice, fruity nuggets of goodness in it. Fruity goodness from which healthy mushrooms may flourish. At some point in future I shall extol the virtues of Pingu, Pocoyo and Shaun the Sheep; shows which deserve to be right up there with Lord of The Rings, Bladerunner and Shawn of The Dead for their unparalleled mastery of the screen … but on the whole, the rest is crap.
So … lets say I were to take my rampant dislike for crap kiddie telly, add some filthy language, a penchant for first-person shooters and stuff it all through a games-development machine (which, for illustrative purposes, looks like an enormous toilet with a microwave where the cistern should be) … what would get pushed out the other end? Well, I’ll tell you …
Assault on Tellytubby Land: A Childrens’ TV Massacre
“Time to go bye-bye…”
The plot goes something like this …
A crazed scientist and fervent collector of goat-porn builds a machine that will take TV programmes and bring characters to life – LIFE! His intention is noble enough: to recreate the female members of Hi-5 and the lovely Naomi Wilkinson of Milkshake-fame and use them for his own nefarious purposes – and best of British luck to him. Unfortunately, the machine goes a bit tits-up, and recreates zombified, psychotic killing machines using CBeebies characters as reference material. Bummer.
At least it was CBeebies, and not Last of The Summer Wine. Oh, the horror.
Your task (as a fine, upstanding citizen who just happens to have a healthy collection of weapons in his shed) is to roam around the landscape and clean-things up … in as messy a manner as possible. Ways like:
- killing undead Telly-Tubbies with your chainsaw
- machine-gunning a rabid Clifford
- stealth and snipe through dense undergrowth in the “Where’s Undead-Boo?” mission
- survive attacks from Vampire “Bessy” flying monsters
- do something unspeakably violent to everyone on Tikkabilla. I won’t tell you what I’m thinking, but it involves a petrol-powered strimmer.
… and eventually fight your way back to the mad-professor’s evil demonic bungalow and turn the machine off. Or help him see where he went wrong with Hi-5. It’s up to you.
I suspect I won’t get any official endorsement from Channel 5, Children’s BBC, or Mothercare. But I know my audience, and I reckon that parents of young children in this country will beat a path to my door. And asking how they can get straight to the level where you beat the crap out of Granny Murray with a baseball bat, the smug old witch.