The night before …

Fuzz free.

Fuzz free.

Two weeks ago, as you may remember, we left our intrepid hero in the doctors surgery, pulling his trousers back on, feeling slightly violated, and left with those haunting words … “You’ll need to shave before you come back”.

So … ’tis the night before The Op, and all through the house, not a creature is stirring … apart from me, sat starkers in the bath, reading the instructions on a “Veet” box and feeling vaguely ridiculous.

Having ruled-out the possibility of shaving with a razor (as I’m far too clumsy), I have already pruned the more dense areas with a pair of my wife’s scissors she uses for her knitting (she’ll be hopping mad when she finds out) and in doing so I have created a furball large enough to wear a collar and be taken for walkies.

For a smooth, polished finish, I am now considering Veet. I read the instructions, looking out for subtle hints (like “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T PUT THIS ON YOUR BOLLOCKS”). I find no such warning. My wife has already assured me it’s fine on “sensitive bits”, and has told me to stop acting like such a fairy and slap the stuff on.

I choose the cautious approach, and dab a small amount on a “test” area. Expecting intense burning and predicting the headlines in tomorrow’s local-rag (“NAKED LOCAL MAN STARTLES HORSES WITH HIS GLOWING RED PLUMS”) I prepare to do handstands in the shower.

The burning never comes, so I slap the rest on. It’s cold.

I am quite a hairy person. Deciding against doing my whole body for consistency (ignoring my wife’s “helpful” suggestions) I choose to limit my experiments in personal-topiary to only the necessary area.

In the absence of any photos … how best should I describe it to you? Well, if you could imagine an aerial photograph of an aeroplane crash in the middle of a forest … yep, just like that.

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posted in Diary, Me by Oddbloke

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