The BBC News website … God bless ’em … have produced another corker of a magazine article. Entitled Ten Tricky Children’s Questions, this is a list of questions the inquisitive young minds of today will ask you – The Responsible Parent.
Looking at that list, I have to say … no child has ever asked me any of them. The BBC must have found a right bunch of annoying little shits enquiring young minds to come up with those. In my experience, children tend to ask questions like
- What are we having for dinner?
- When is dinner?
- What are you eating now?
- Can I have some?
- What is that man doing to that lady on TV?
Any parent will tell you that one of the great joys one can take in bringing up children is finding new and inventive ways of mentally scarring them, and giving the teacher something to ask you about at the end-of-year report. It’s not cruel – after all, your parents did the same to you and it never did you any harm, did it?
So … shamelessly half-inched, here is the BBCs list of questions your youngster may ask. And here are my suggestions for suitably twisted answers.
Why don’t all fish die when lightning hits the sea?
1. They don’t die; that’s just silly! Actually, they become horribly mutated monsters who eat ships. Seen a picture of a shark? That was Nemo before he was struck by lightning.
2. They die a horrible painful death. They become crusty and rough, and are great with a bag of chips and some vinegar.
How much does the sky weigh?
Well, when it finally falls down, your ridiculous Peppa-Pig hat isn’t gonna make any difference.
Why can’t people leave other people alone?
1. Have you SEEN the arse on her?
2. Some people are just wrong. About everything. They’re so wrong, that we need to show them they’re wrong by blowing them up. Pass me the soldering iron.
Why aren’t birds electrocuted on wires?
They wear rubber gloves on their claws. They sit on telephone wires and listen in on your conversations.
What is time?
1. Time to go to bed.
2. Well, the judge said it was “three to five years”. But don’t worry – Mummy will be out soon.
Why is the moon sometimes out in the day, too?
1. That’s no moon …
2. That’s Santa, in his spy balloon. He’s checking whether you’re being naughty or nice.
Why did God let my kitten die?
1. God didn’t make kittens to breathe underwater. Try not to put the next one in the washing machine.
2. He won’t be forgotten. You’ll see him every time mummy wears her new gloves.
3. Daddy needed to test his new shredder, darling.
Why do I like pink?
Don’t ask me, you homo. You make Daddy sad.
Why is water wet?
They tried acid for a while, but people kept dissolving into horrible screaming piles of goo every time they went splashing in puddles. You like splashing in puddles, don’t you?
Why does my best friend have two dads?
1. Don’t talk to them. Don’t make eye contact. And remember: they’re going to burn in Hell.
2. “Dave” used to be “Davina”. She has a fake peepee.
3. Well, sometimes he’s “nice Daddy”. The one that plays football with your friend and buys him sweets. But when he’s been drinking he’s “bad Daddy”, and he shouts at your friend, doesn’t he? But then later he cries and he becomes nice Daddy again …
Any more suggestions?