Just a quick checklist. If you can identify with too many of these, perhaps it is time to update your CV …
- You see a sign attached to a lamppost saying “MAKE £200+ PER HOUR – FIND OUT HOW!” and you seriously consider ringing the number.
- You wonder how much money can be made as a contract killer. And what pension schemes might be included.
- You stop worrying about whether your boss is checking your web-browser logs, and just browse all the job sites anyway.
- Your response to any problem highlighted at a meeting is “Oh, well”.
- When your phone rings, you check the name on the caller ID screen before you decide whether or not to answer.
- Your office attire is the same outfit you wore at the weekend … when you cleared out the shed and took the dog to be spayed.
- You value cubicle number 3 as an oasis of calm, where you can read the paper in peace.
- The stationery on your desk is lost amongst your enormous Lego collection.
- An appointment at the dentist is considered a welcome break from the office, even if you are having a tooth pulled.
- You occasionally find yourself dreaming about flipping out. Just standing on a filing cabinet in the middle of the office, shouting “It’s so trivial! All of it! In a hundred years, no-one will care!”. You then throw off all the hindrances and impediments of civilisation (including your clothes) and run stark bollock naked into your office block’s small ornamental garden, hand in hand with Alice Merryweather from Accounting. You live out the rest of your days communing with nature, rutting like ugly naked rabbits, and wiping your ass on Aspidistra leaves.
- You actually proceed with the above fantasy.
- You have composed a PowerPoint presentation entitled “Why I hate you all” ready for your next team meeting.
- You believe that e-mail is the bringer of all evil. You suspect that when Judgement Day arrives, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will announce their arrival with an Outlook meeting invitation.
- You compose resignation letters, just for a laugh. You categorize them as “professional”, “bridge burning”, “libelous”, “blackmailing”, and so on.
- You turn your work area into your own little fortress, using filing cabinets, whiteboards and flip-charts. You try your absolute hardest to stop anyone from visiting – this includes mantraps.
Oh dear. That’s two rather cynical, employment-related posts. Which is odd really, as I have very fond memories of my former employers, and am quite enjoying my current job. I really need to cheer up! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts …