You couldn’t make this stuff up:
Be honest … if a bloke in the pub said to you “Heather Mills is appearing in the next serious of ‘Idiot Celebrities Dance on Ice”” you would quite rightly dismiss the man as a nutter.
Just to recap: Heather Mills. That’s the one with the prosthetic leg.
Now, I have nothing against the disabled. That lass on CBeebies with only one arm is quite attractive, and as one friend of mine put it, many of us would be quite happy to “see her on all threes”. But there are limits. I wouldn’t sign her up for a chainsaw-juggling show. If some bright spark at ITV decides to do “Celebrity Driving School”, they wouldn’t include Stevie Wonder amongst the list of potential celebs.
Having said that: If they go through with it, I’ll be very tempted to watch. Car crash TV that would actually appeal to me. I have visions of her attempting one of those ice-skater pirouettes … spinnning faster and faster … until her leg finally detatches itself and is launched at terrifying high-speed towards the vaccuous judging panel.
And as the high-velocity ice-skate blade slices through the forehead of Philip Schofield like a cleaver through a rather irritating and overpaid coconut, a spray of blood and brain matter covers the lens of the nearest camera – all caught in glorious HD. Amongst the screaming and pandemonium just before we switch to a commercial break, we hear Heather say: “Oh dear, I do hope my disability won’t count against my score …”.