Thanks to my contacts in low places, I have managed to scrounge a copy of an internal ITV memo detailing a new “hit” (that’s “hit” – without the ‘S’) sitcom to be filmed this year. What with all this new-fangled Internet thingy, I thought I’d share it with you all. Look out for the trailers in the summer.
Proposal for new Situation Comedy for Primetime ITV viewing
Elderly, cranky, dour working-class Scotsman Gordon is forced by his carer to take in a lodger … smooth-skinned, clean-shaven, Darjeeling-drinking, upper-class Oxford twit David. The two of them are like chalk and cheese, and sparks will fly! We are taken through a rollercoaster ride of emotions as the two of them try to get along, live together and run a country. We’ll laugh and we’ll cry, as two unlikely souls bicker and backstab at every turn … but ultimately, become the best of friends.
“The Goode Life” mixed with “To The Manor Born” and “Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie”.
Episode 1 (Pilot): “Rubber gloves”
Dave moves in with Gordon, and the tension soon mounts. Gordon needs to clear out the spare room so that Dave can unpack his collection of ties. But who is going to agree to the hoovering rota? And when it comes to washing-up, the two cannot agree on what colour gloves to buy … WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS!
Episode 2: “Calendar girls”
The “lads” want to hang a girly calendar on the bathroom door … but which one will they agree on? Gordon wants “Susan Boyle Wet and Wild”, but Dave likes “Anne Widdecombe in the Nuddy”. And who has drawn the moustache on Dave’s saucy poster of a swimsuited Margaret Thatcher?
Episode 3: “Pest control”
The couch has suddenly become infested, and Dave blames Gordon’s cat. But what about Dave’s hairy friend Boris, who slept on the couch last week when he came round and had a skinful? And where have all the hairballs come from?
Episode 4: “Fifteen Minutes”
Dave is invited to appear on “Loose Women”. Gordon pretends he doesn’t care, but is actually rather jealous. When a TV executive unexpectedly rings Gordon, he agrees to appear on TV without even hearing what programme it is. What will Gordon discover when he gets to the studio? And why did the executive ask him if he was allergic to “Gunge”? WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS!
Episode 5: “Unwanted guests”
Dave wants a housewarming party, so invites some friends over. But Gordon wants a party too, and so invites his friends Ed and “Freaky Pete” round on the same night. Tempers run high as the alcohol flows, but there’s one thing that neither of them understand … who the F__k invited Nick?
Episode 6: (end of series cliffhanger) “A good probing”
Gordon and Dave agree to have a night-off. They buy a Pizza and hire a DVD, to enjoy a bit of “guy time”. But the following morning they wake up in bed together with no memory of the night before; pajamas conspicuous by their absence. Suspecting abduction and probing by aliens, they set out to find the truth. With only an empty bottle of Cognac, tub of Vaseline and a “Brokeback Mountain” DVD as evidence to go on – what will they find? WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS!
(to be shown after 10pm)
(Yeah, I know. Shouldn’t be Gordon. But unfortunately, a Sitcom involving Nick and Dave just wouldn’t be funny. I can barely tell the difference between them.)