Do you ever despise an actor or celebrity when he/she starts endorsing a product? An item for which they have no need? A supermarket that you know they wouldn’t visit in a million years?
Do we really think that Jason Donovan and Kerry Katona shop at Iceland? Does Tommy Walsh really care about “doing the job right” with his van insurance? Does that gorilla really play the drums when he eats a Dairy Milk?
I’m sure you – like I – sit back with smug satisfaction and declare proudly: “well, I certainly couldn’t be bought that easily!”. We know in our heart-of-hearts that there is no amount of money that would persuade us to scoff some poncy yoghurt and practically fake an orgasm for the camera. No amount of cajoling that would make us drag-in our extended family and pretend to feed them from Sainsbury’s “pretentious tossers” range of delicatessen.
I used to think so … until this week. This week I discovered that:
- I do indeed have a price, and
- Depressingly, it is rather low.
It seems that my price is a bit of flattery, and two shiny coffee mugs.
Let me explain.
Last week I received a very nice feedback e-mail from an Alex Sass about my night in Asda, and my efforts to rid the world of “Friends”. To receive an e-mail that did not begin with the words “Dear Oddbloke, you suck!” ticked the “flattery” box by default, and so I was already pretty sold by this point – but then he iced the cake by mentioning the magic words: “free stuff”.
Alex, it seems, currently represents a company with the non-vicar-friendly name The Dog’s Doodahs – who will make all manner of personalised mugs, cards, aprons and other gifts – allowing you to insult your close friends and relatives with more professional gloss than ever before.
And so this morning I receive two very nice mugs. I particularly like the one that suggests the Friends-coffee shop should burn in a towering inferno:
Actually, his e-mail made no request for publicity – he was just being friendly. But he’s getting some publicity anyway because I am dead chuffed with the mugs and greetings card. He may live to regret it – to be mentioned on this blog is rather like the curse of Hello! magazine. He’ll be divorced and destitute and sharing a cell with George Michael by the end of the year.
So there you have it: should you feel the need to purchase a mug that says “I pissed in this mug” so that no-one else in the office pinches it, you now know where to go. And I’m sure that Alex won’t thank me for sending him the sort of low-brow, toilet-humour obsessed clients that this blog attracts. Yes, I mean you lot.
If you buy anything, tell them I sent you.
Of course, this marvellous new facility also allows me to slightly modify and use my “messages I wish I could buy on a greetings card” article that I wrote ages ago, and found on an old pen-drive last week. I can now rename it and present thusly:
Things that you can now have printed on a greetings card
(thanks to the wonder of SCIENCE and THE INTERNET)
- Congratulations! You have Chlamydia!
- Congrats on your vasectomy. We (the undersigned) all support your decision to remove your modest contribution from the gene pool. All that remains now is for you to send the six whinging little shits you have already sired off to the abattoir.
- One year anniversary! Who’d have thought you’d manage to keep your affair with your secretary a secret from your wife for ONE WHOLE YEAR! Here’s to another happy year of “weekend conferences”! From all the night-duty staff at the Travelodge, Barnsley.
- Congratulations on getting onto the X-Factor. What a shame that no-one warned you beforehand about how badly you sing, and too bad that the recording of you embarrassing yourself in front of millions is now a Youtube sensation.
- So pleased to see that your daughter has a fulltime job, after leaving University only last month! The Boobalicious Titty Bar and “Contact” club seems even more cerebral now that they have an M.Eng spinning around centre-pole!
- The staff at Giggleswick Infants would like to congratulate you on the successful separation of your siamese twins … but would be interested in your suggestions of how the hell we’re going to fill the role of push-me-pull-you in this year’s Christmas production of Doctor Dolittle.
- Sorry to hear that your daughter moved out. But look at it this way – now you’ve got all that spare space in the cellar!
- Congrats on all the money you’ve been given by that Nigerian millionaire!
- We hear you’re feeling down after your plastic surgery. Here’s a little card to make you smile – assuming the facelift allows it.
- So you suffer from low self-esteem and have tried to commit suicide. Wow … couldn’t even get that right. Are you completely useless?
- Rupert Grint is ten years younger than you, worth millions, and shagging a different bird every day of the year. You are fat, hairy, broke, and have been stuck with the same ugly girlfriend since college. Happy 30th Birthday!
And if anyone else would like to send me some freebies in exchange for a possible mention on this Mighty Organ, then please send the truck driver to the usual address. Though I feel I should mention that I only review Aston Martin cars, chocolate from Montezuma’s, and hi-def televisions of fifty inches or greater.
Visit those nice people at The Dog’s Doodahs, or please suggest more text for greetings cards or mugs in the comments.